At some point in this madness, and possibly sensing no end to it, my husband told me at last that his love for me was gone entirely. That he was no longer attracted to me. That he felt resentful toward me. That I had changed too much. After a week of constant crying, of self harming for the first time in years, of sleeping on a palette of piled sheets and blankets in the nursery next to my baby’s crib, he came to me. He said he’d been wrong. He said he never meant a word, that he just needed to ‘get it out’. He had needed to see me hurting over him. We resumed. I began to put forth more effort. I truly believed that more effort on my part was really what was needed. I tried to lose the baby weight by denying myself rest after a long day of reading Peter Rabbit and Goodnight Moon, of cleaning up thrown food, of endlessly wiping and powdering a little bottom, of choking back my own tears while rocking my crying baby. I denied myself the fleeting pleasure and comfort of food and. Having trussed you in a position which allows me ready access to my target,I fetch a tube of vaseline and a specially designed silicone dildo from mybag. I let you examine the dildo so that you will be fully aware of whatit is that will be lodged inside you. When you see that, although it istapered and very flexible, it is adorned with a sequence of smooth waveswhich rise and fall in larger and larger rings along its shaft, a cloud ofapprehension passes over your face, but you raise no protest. Reassuredthat I have your permission to proceed, I begin by carefully spreading agenerous layer of vaseline over your anus and the surrounding region. Ithen take the dildo and hold it so that its narrower end is resting at theentrance to your bowels. At this end, the diameter of the dildo is lessthan half an inch and the tip is smoothly rounded. I apply continuous butgentle pressure and tell you that, once you have absorbed the first wave, Iwill try to comfort you while your body learns.
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